There’s no way to “prepare” for life’s hardships, all we can do is learn better coping skills so that when life knocks you down, you might know how to find your way back up through good care of yourself and others.

Most of us glide through life under the tacit assumption that everything’s going to be just fine. And we work hard to make it so. Inevitably, something (life) happens that changes everything. Our plans are derailed. Standing in the ashes of our plans, heartsick and face to face with risks, doubts, dangers and possibilities that lurk in “the fine print,” we ask, “How could this have happened?”

We close our eyes to the fine print of life most of the time. Who wants to read the “side effects” label of the chemotherapy drugs that may potentially save their life? Or hear that their beautiful 21-year-old daughter may die in a study abroad program, as I did? But when we truly understand life’s terms, we see that it is filled with suffering and joy, ups and downs, clarity and confusion, good and bad. No matter what we do, we will never be immune to life’s changes and losses: business failures, accidents and illnesses, divorce, and—at the darkest depths—the loss of a loved one. Sure as there will be joy, there will be heartache, confusion, conflict and grief.

Finding Strength in Humility

How do we cope with life’s setbacks? How do we come to terms with the fact that sometimes, life is going to hurt like hell?

The answer is: with great humility. There are times of adversity in life when surrender and humility are the most helpful things we can experience. Life brings all of us to our knees. We’re at the mercy of a reality that is so much bigger than our ability to comprehend it. We can all feel so small, so insignificant and so powerless.

Being brought to your knees is different than lying down and taking it. In fact I’d advise you, once again, not to dismiss the feelings of disappointment and despair that may arise. Take a moment to really feel the unfairness and outrage of what has happened. Life is unfair. Period. Acknowledging these feelings and moving toward a place of true optimism may mean that you allow yourself to feel defeated. Don’t self-medicate with trite clichés, busyness or a few drinks. On the contrary: give yourself some time to feel sad, helpless, angry, overwhelmed or scared since that is how you really feel. You didn’t sign up for this. But here it is. So just let yourself feel genuinely angry and disappointed.

And go from there.

Let’s say you just got fired from your job. Say, “Damn!” In fact, be generous with yourself. Give yourself ten “Damn-its!” Voice your objection! Give yourself a chance to say, “This really sucks.” And let yourself feel it. Once you’ve gotten it all out, take a deep breath. Feel the relief that comes from clearing frustration and anger that have been building up. Make space for new feelings. You never know, after all, what’s around the corner.

You may get the best job you’ve ever had as a result of quitting the old one. You just don’t know. Is this way of thinking “negative”? Is it unproductive whining and complaining? Far from it: I’m a very positive person. What I’m “anti” is when people are encouraged to sweep their true feelings under the rug. Sometimes this happens in the “positive thinking” community, but it’s just as likely to happen outside of it. And after all the grief work I’ve done with people whose worlds have been turned upside down, I truly believe that it’s counterproductive for people to be talked out of what they’re feeling by positive thinking or to undergo a “spiritual bypass.”